Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.

me: I feel your pain

french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread

How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.

Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.

Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.

Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight

“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.

“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.

Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE

People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.

Nobody:

Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:

*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?

I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.

Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?

*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap

*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit

*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot

Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.

Me: dang those wings were spicy

WebMD: you have cancer

Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn

WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ

@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you

A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.

My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.

Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”

A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.

Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?

*Biden raises hand*

Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?

*Biden lowers hand*

How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.

Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.

Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?

Me: Please, they’re starving.

UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”

Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040

I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.