Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so

Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man

Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted

Interpreter: I can’t help u dude

Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise

Captain: relax, it’s just a title

Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU

Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.

“I don’t remember watching this”

SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.

“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”

a house without a chimney should be called a nouse

found this cool rock hiking today

a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat

You can buy a family sized shawarma platter it’s okay they don’t even check

I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.

Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.

“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”

Credit: AndrewBloch

How much for the soulmate?

Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.

This headline is a thing of beauty

Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues

Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE

Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL

[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”

Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .

If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors

♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫

Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined

Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years

Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree

I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.

no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french

I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”

Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake

People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT

I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.

Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down