Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on

I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit

[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”

Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.

NETFLIX: Are you still watching?

Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.

Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.

wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?

me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?

This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.

[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”

For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.

Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.

him: i will see you in court!!!

me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.

I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.

Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.

Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣

Them: Question everything.

Me: Why?

People at work: you’re hilarious,man

Family: you’re really funny

Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know

Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job

Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.

Daddy, where do bananas come from?

Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…

me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no

Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.

When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks

My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car

If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.

The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.

Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?

Me: Please, they’re starving.

Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.

Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”

Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”

Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”

Hey i am sexy to you now

Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.