Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?
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My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Sign at work today
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
I didn’t come here to be called names
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.