Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?
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When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”
You did what sir?!
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house