Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tomorrow’s weather forecast:

60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.

Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶

Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please

Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products

ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*

Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong

*horror movie

“The calls are coming from inside the house!”

“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”

I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.

If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.

Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket

Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.

Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers

Woman: you mean he’s

Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care

kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive

Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.

A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.

{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.

Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.

Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?

Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.

Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.

Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan

Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”

I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree

Enhanced interrogation idea:

If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.

me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.

A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.

DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.

Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*

Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”

When your best mate counts as a desk too

Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..

..

..

..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!

wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about