BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
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I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.