BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
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Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
he’ll never suspect a thing
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?