Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To err is human, to eh is Canadian.

My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.

I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny

It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy

Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.

Just be glad I don’t have kids.

How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.

I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s

Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼‍♀️😂

I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.

*3am

Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.

Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!

Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?

Them: April fools ends midday

Me: April fools?

I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.

For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved

i feel like we’re on like the 50th or 60th horseman of the apocalypse by now

Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.

“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”

Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory

Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit

College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years

I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.

Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.

Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding

QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.

I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes

[at the gym]

Friend: This sauna is way too hot!

Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?

“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.

the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!

Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today

Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?

Seen but not heard

That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.

nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time