Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.

People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it

Trainer: what are your goals?

Me: to pet all the dogs

Trainer: no, fitness goals

Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs

I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.

It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??

So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.

Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.

I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.

(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)

Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

Spring cleaning checklist…

“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”

For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.

What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!

What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.

Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.

cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor

me: i don’t know where dave is

cop: how did you know it was dave

[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel

My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.

The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.

“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”

“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”

I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?

MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?

BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho

MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal

Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.

Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.

My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters

Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.

My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”

I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.

12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them

We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.

ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.