Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time

Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”

Me: “Say no more”

[Monday]

Boss: “Where’s my report?”

Me: “Shhh”

[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekend

ME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk

You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.

Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?

Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”

There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.

DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day

*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*

DH: well this has been wonderful

Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.

people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.

I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level

i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight

My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.

Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.

A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.

It was a tragic accident.

Gone too soon.

How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together

Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.

This egg could use more egg

– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce

My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral

I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed

COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”

ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”

i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

pizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less

Move the bed into the kitchen, bro

In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.

Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*

Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*

Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.

A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.

I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.

me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes

my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.