Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.

After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.

GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?

[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]

ME: car his keys.

Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.

Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.

Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.

I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon

PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.

First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.

Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.

I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.

It took me three decades to become an overnight success.

just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏

[blind date]

Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit

Her: *looks*

Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*

“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”

What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.

If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.

Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.

[job interview]

employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company

me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant

I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.

There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.

As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….

God: And then let’s send in murder hornets

Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?

God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus

Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?

God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?

Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha

Personal trainer: what’s so funny?

Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running

Go hard or stay average

Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first

Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.

I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.

“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”

Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back

‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage