Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”

Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.

Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!

I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.

My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.

DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?!

[Me to the cicada as it hits my car]

Search History:

Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #

6yo: Newton discovered gravy

Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.

6yo: what’s that?

Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space

6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy

Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.

If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?

Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.

Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.

Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*

My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water

if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups

My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.

aesthetic

Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?

Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella

Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.

The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there

GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!

When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.

Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.

Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser

There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.

Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.

[anniversary dinner]

HER: tell me something that will make my heart race

ME: my credit card got declined

When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.