Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?

Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.

[creating anchovies]

God: How can we ruin pizza?

[first time paying taxes]

me: how much do I owe?

irs: 🙂

me: am I supposed to guess?

irs: :)))

me: what if I guess wrong?

irs: :))))))))))))))))))

“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”

Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.

Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.

not for long

A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry

Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year

*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*

Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.

Cold.

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.

I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile

Then walk into a wall

I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea

Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!

My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.

Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.

Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.

If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?

You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.

Oh your baby’s name is Walter?

Is he close to retirement?

“I’m going in the back for a Zoom meeting.”
“Why are your meetings always right when the kids all flood into the library after school?”
“The committee chair schedules the meetings.”
“Who’s your committee chair?”
“I refuse to answer on the grounds that it may incriminate me.”

Me: I like reading funny jokes and watching cat videos

Twitter algorithm: Here’s someone getting run over by a car and people arguing about politics

Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.

Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.

[at quick clinic]

Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?

Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.

Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.