Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.

Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?

Me: It’s at 7.

H: Oh, I was close.

Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.

I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”

Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial

Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure

6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.

Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!

Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*

If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat

Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…

5: can i play the wii?

me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?

5:

me:

5: but she’s still sleeping!!

me: i don’t want to die today.

My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move

– a parenting memoir

If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.

My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.

Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions

Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?

Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?

Him: *disables smoke alarm*

aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy

Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.

Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.

i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard

I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.

me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]

fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO

Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon

4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here

I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.

Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble

DR: your IQ test results are abysmal

ME: is… is that good?

I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first

Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?

Me: I’m sorry, move what?

Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?

My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes

Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.

I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.

Okay this integrity isn’t going to compromise itself