Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?

i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget

I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567

Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful

Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all

“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”

*Googles my ex’s house*

Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”

IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.

*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*

I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.

Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.

you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?

Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.

I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary

A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.

crush: i really like music

me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*

Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half

Me: I’ll do it

Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily

Me: *crying* He’s good

Wife: What

TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.

I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me

I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.

Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!

pat pat

How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.

“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”

– Me yesterday

I regret everything….

Pilot: welcome aboard

Fighter pilot: [right hook]

I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.

Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.

No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.

i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins

Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?

There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.