Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you

If you know, you know 😂🚔

“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.

[christmas morning]

ME: I have no gifts to bring

EVERYONE: booooo

ME: …pa rum pum pum pum

EVERYONE: yayyyyyy

Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”

This is the way the world ends.

Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.

[ riding into battle ]

YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY

I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.

*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*

“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”

The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.

Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender

Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.

COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.

ME: *sends resume*

COMPANY: *no response*

Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird

Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months

Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing

Me: That tree is impeckable

“Don’t you mean impeccable?”

*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*

Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?

Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.

Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows

*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost

The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.

My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.

I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.

Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?

Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk

what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for

[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”

A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.

I quit my job to become an archeologist.

My career is in ruins.

[about to have sex]

her: put on this blindfold

me: I think a condom would be safer

Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)