Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…

baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies

Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.

[hell]

Me: Why am I here?

Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.

Me: OK that’s fair.

I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club

HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE

Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.

WHO DID THIS?

I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too

Him: You’re married?

Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.

Him: What about on Friday?

Me: Depends how Thursday goes.

One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.

[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.

[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh

“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said

[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates

“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.

I deal with my problems in the order they were received.

Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.

Happy thanksgiving!

dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”

Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down

If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.

Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’

Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.

They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.

My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.

The Conjuring 3:

Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.

The kids torment them back.

They’re better at it.

The spirits flee.

me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night

bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*

Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.

Him: I was gonna get lingerie.

Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.

Him:

Me: *jazz hands*

I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.