BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
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If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
You got this…
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
getting old is fun
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Kid: What’re you doing?
Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.
Kid: We can only have one?
She’s mastered this game.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.