Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”

People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄

It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.

Let’s pray for her.

I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.

Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.

Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.

If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.

her: [during sex] call me names

me: [panicking] optimus prime

[camping]

me: why can’t i find any animals

wife: the wildlife is very conservative here

deer: climate change is a myth

they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn

Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby

My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.

I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.

Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.

As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.

I’m more “fermented”.

No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.

Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?

Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.

Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.

Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!

Happiness is…

finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.

[First Date]

Him: And, how did you get here?

Me: My parents had sex.

My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…

Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits

Him: What long nails you have!

Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.

*dating is easy

Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist

Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that

[lightning strike super close to our house]

5-year-old: Missed me.

Child protective services?

Who’s protecting the parents Huh?

WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?

TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir

*finally detangles ear buds

*plane lands

You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles