Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”

– Guy about to get stabbed bad

Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.

[Child reading their story to the class]

& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.

The End

Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time

assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?

thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out

If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.

Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.

People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”

me: what do you know about atoms?

friend: very little

me: besides that

*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*

Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.

I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.

Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.

*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”

JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*

Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.

[after sex]

guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time

me: sorry im afraid of the dark

“And what did you bring home this week?”

– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school

I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.

[alternate universe]

cows on a road-trip: look a car!

“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it

“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell

oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer

The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.

When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.

Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?

i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it

Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.