Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”

After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard

Mom: I need your email address.
Me: okay it’s Rodlacroix-
Mom: WAIT. R…
Me: Mom-
Mom: O-
Me:
Mom: Okay then what?
Me: MOM IT IS LITERALLY MY NAME

Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long

The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.

Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again

me: no shoes in the house

murderer: sorry

Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.

Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.

But five stoned guys will start a BAND!

I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam

Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.

They’re really bad with fonts.

guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: *throwing up blood*

Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?

Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.

Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.

Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.

When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.

Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into

JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith

ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus

JON: Bad medicine is what I need

ME: Can someone take Jon home please

I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.

my nickname in college

I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.

absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker

I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

A leaf blower, but for people.

I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty