Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
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“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Looks at the shower
At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me: