Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???

Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.

6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.

Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.

Me: Nothing is set in stone.

Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.

Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?

Me: one’s for you

Him: and the other one?

Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.

Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?

Me: We are leaving in an hour

Teens: Okay

*58 mins later*

Teens: *start cooking their lunch*

Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast

Pet toad: WHAT

Me: * tastes dog treats*

Stalker: frickin weirdo

Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…

*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby

[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark

Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.

4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!

Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers

4:

Me:

4: Next time buy ones with candy in them

[when someone likes me]

*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me

[first day on the job as a drug dealer]

*giggles*

“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”

*gets stabbed*

I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.

8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.

I’m sorry what now?!

DR: your IQ test results are abysmal

ME: is… is that good?

Me in the summer: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s sunny and beautiful outside

Me in the winter: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s snowy and cold outside

Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.

Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”

Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time

If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.

{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit

Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.

[poker night with the boys]

wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?

m: yes please, chips and beer

w: ok. winning?

m: all pants are off

w: you meant bets, right?

m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant

Are we there yet?…

“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.