Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate

Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit

I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”

its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”

So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.

My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed

Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?

My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.

[1st date]

You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away

MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool

Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?

Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?

Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*

how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”

90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.

#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.

14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.

*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.

Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave

Me: and the last piece?

Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao

BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”

The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink

Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.

Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?

Me: <makes bigg sale>

I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end

Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.

(I didn’t say best, I said creative)

Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.

Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.

tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.

betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.

Him: Do you swallow?

Me: Every time I chew.