Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!


Todd the snail: This is bullshit

*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*

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“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.


Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid

Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-

Me: the bottom half

Waiter: very good, sir


Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.


The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!


I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.


Barber: How do you want it?

Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”


My 8yo is watching a video of a guy watching a video of another guy flipping water bottles. Please pray for me during this difficult time.


All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.


My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.