Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
You Might Also Like
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
*names my little horse OneTrick*
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.