‘What other miracles can you do?’
Jesus: I can varnish
‘You mean vanish?’
J: *running finger over a beautiful oak table* aha, not quite
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
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When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
“Is my butt is too big?” my girlfriend asked, staring at her reflection in the mirror. Sensing a trap, I fell to the ground and played dead.
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
I suddenly realized that I’ve never had an epiphany.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Me: i’ll have a beer
Bartender: ok it’s on the house buddy
Me:*grabbing him by collar* then get it down, i’m not climbing up there again