@ThisOneSayz

Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!

*silence*

Todd the snail: This is bullshit

*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*

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@Audenary

‘What other miracles can you do?’

Jesus: I can varnish

‘You mean vanish?’

J: *running finger over a beautiful oak table* aha, not quite

@roxiqt

ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory

ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back

@WilliamRodgers

How to become a Saint

1: Become Catholic

2: Live an exemplary and pious life

3: Perform at least two miracles

Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby

@Thedudish

“Is my butt is too big?” my girlfriend asked, staring at her reflection in the mirror. Sensing a trap, I fell to the ground and played dead.

@DominicStraw

*at funeral*

Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.

@80sjams

The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.

@Wakenbake77

I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.

@roostermustache

Me: i’ll have a beer

Bartender: ok it’s on the house buddy

Me:*grabbing him by collar* then get it down, i’m not climbing up there again