Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband

*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*

It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.

Let’s pray for her.

can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this

If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.

Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.

Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.

Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”

I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators

*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*

“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”

*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*

“Screw this!”

[halloween]

ME: nice costume. casanova?

HIM: guy fawkes

ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does

Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?

I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet

My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?

WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow

“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…

I know that now.

ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down

THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap

Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.

Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?

Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.

Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.

8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.

Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.

turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey

*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring

Twitter is an abusement park.

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?

Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.