Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀
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The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
So glad we cleared that up
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.