Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀
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@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
I think I’ll stand
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.