Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀
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I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
i usually decompose after work rather than decompress
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff