Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀
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[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
I’m starring in a new movie, in theaters now!
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.