Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀
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[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
“you changed” bro i was 15
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994