Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀
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Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?