Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.

I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.

*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th

Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?

sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”

[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes

I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.

“what’s wrong with you” right now or in general

SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!

HERO: Ok

SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?

HERO: I’m in

SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.

HERO: My therapist said to try new things

SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward

HERO: I’ll get my stuff

“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter

I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass

batter: *hits homer*

Simpson: ow

Some Things Never Change 😀

#archaeohistories

Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing

Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?

What do you call a Magician without any magic?

Ian.

I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.

[ER]

ME: [scared] well?

DOCTOR: ur ok

M: so it was just a dream

D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them

Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.

Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?

🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶

*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*

Him: Is that a new shampoo?

So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay

Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?

– Naaah –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one

– LOL NO –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL

*Awkward silence*

Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.

it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos

GM✌🏻

Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.

My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.

11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything