Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀
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Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
just having fun
Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.