Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
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Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
President The Rock Obama
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Leaving the Barbers like
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Me: Experts say a messy house is a sign of love and safety.
Husband: What experts?
Me: Experts.
Husband: But who?
Me: Me. I’m the experts.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..