Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
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“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Child: Turkey pancakes?!
Me: I also have turkey hash, turkey sausages, and make sure you drink your turkey nog.
Wife: I told you the bird was too big
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Traveler’s camo
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with
Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Me: Makes a Reddit post about my efforts to avoid arguing about politics with my parents over Thanksgiving.
Reddit users: Yeah, but you probably want to argue politics with strangers, right? Because I’m angry about the following things…
Nope, no thank you.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief