Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.

WFH: Work From Home

my brain: WaFfle House

A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.

PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD

Signed: nOt The cAt

Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.

Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.

Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry

After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.

If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”

If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.

Ok, I’ll bite

What’s an ab?

boss: you’re late

me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour

boss: did it work

me: no, I think I need better shoes

It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this

I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”

“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”

~History

When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK

Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible

When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.

giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang

friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear

[later]

tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!

me: holy shit it’s him

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out

yeah i’m a bit of a rebel

Netflix: Should I play this movie?

Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second

Netflix: I’ll put it on

Me: I’m just literally reading what it is

Netflix: It’s playing 🙂

[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”

How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?

Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.

I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.

Coffee helps me remember….

Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean words

I never said it was easy.

They:’What doesn’t kill you..’

Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’

It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.

Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?

Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.