Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
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Sometimes? I’m slipping
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec