Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
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Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
I can’t wait til I have hearing aids, so I can just turn them off when I’m tired of hearing everyone.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”