Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”

Staff member: “Bonus!”

Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”

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Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman


[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good


BAE: come over
ME: we live together im sitting right here
BAE: my parents arent home
ME: what is wrong with you


There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.


Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls ????


A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life


I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.


Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.