Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
You Might Also Like
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Ion see the issue
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves