@stephenjmolloy

Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”

Staff member: “Bonus!”

Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”

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@T_Bonezzz_

Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman

@dafloydsta

[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good

@senderblock23

BAE: come over
ME: we live together im sitting right here
BAE: my parents arent home
ME: what is wrong with you

@UncleDuke1969

There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.

@alexapelagio

Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls ????

@Book_Krazy

A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life

@funderlaw

I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.

@kelkulus

Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.