Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.

If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”

My biological clock is wheezing.

My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.

*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.

I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.

[God inventing snakes]

What about a scarf that could kill you?

The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.

I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.

“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up

[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what

Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?

Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?

Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats

If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage

[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]

[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.

Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”

Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.

Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?

Me: Kids?

I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.

cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray

In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.

I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.

God: I’m calling this a horse

Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!

God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks

Kid at the reference desk said “How should I decide what job I want to do when I grow up?”
I said “Find out if it makes you work on Saturdays and if it does, don’t do that.”
“Is that important?”
“Right this second it’s literally the most important thing.”
#saturdaylibrarian

Humans were not meant to have this many passwords

72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.

falling in love with me is cool more people should do it

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.