Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.

Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.

Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.

I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.

Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?

Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?

Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*

…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward

I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.

Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.

“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”

Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”

Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.

Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!

Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!

I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.

If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.

baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum

My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.

SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel

NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second

Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark

My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.

Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”

Nephew: What’s love?

Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.

Sister: Get away from him!

I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.

Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope

I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.

I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.

“If all your friends jumped”

‘Yes’

“But if they”

‘Yes’

“But”

‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?

A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.

ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t

Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.