Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board

Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails

Obviously that’s not true

We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings

Kids these days, I tell ya

“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.

judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth

me: yes

judge: who do you like

me: omg dare

My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.

No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them

My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.

She bought me eye drops.

Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.

me: [waking from coma] how long was I out

doc: two years, but I have terrible news

me: what

doc: it’s still March

“I can be nice or I can be honest.”

People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.

me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty

*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS

For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”

[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”

one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked

Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?

Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*

Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.

Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.

we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot

*aliens come to earth to steal our water*

[cut to]

*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*

Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.

One killed the padawans.

The other was abandoned in the desert

I’m dreading that class reunion.

Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders

My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub

If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.

My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.

They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715

“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”

“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”

In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.