Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.

Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”

First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.

Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”

Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”

Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”

Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”

Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.

if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.

“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”

[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*

I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.

I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.

I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.

My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.

Bring back the McRib

I was actually doing so well until your email found me.

I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.

I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?

This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?

I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.

THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?

ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook

Guy: I want to be more than friends

Me: like business owners?

WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol

On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers

Nobody:

God: Make half of them allergic to spring

If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.

it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut

Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?

[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no

My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.

My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.

Everyone is awful in their own special way.