Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July

Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.

Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.

Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.

Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?

N: So?

M: So, I can’t help you.

I have a spider bite in my ear, which brings up the even more disturbing point: there was a spider in my ear

Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn

There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .

pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied

I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.

[undercover as a mom]

Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now

Other moms: *narrow eyes*

Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months

I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.

I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.

This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.

And whats Beth short for? he asked.

Because shes only three. I answered.

me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met

her:

me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape

Flock of bats

me: can i get a big mac

employee: sir, this is a Burger King

me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty

I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.

tattoos are a great convo starter. So as an introvert I kinda regret getting them

If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.

Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.

It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.

When people ask “Are you high right now?”

It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.

If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?

Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne

My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.

Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.

wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”

After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.

netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it

6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream