*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
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Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Breaking news:
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
🙁
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.