Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.

The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…

Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.

Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.

My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee

if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet

The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.

told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something

[before humans were invented]

animals: this is nice

ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know

A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.

I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.

Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?

Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*

Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.

*at the red lobster*

me: i will have the red lobster

waiter: okay

Him: what are you thinking about?

Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?

A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.

“Don’t let me keep you”

Translation: Please go.

🤣🤣

2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you

Me, handing out Halloween candy

“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE

A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.

coworker: you should try my therapist.

me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.

let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼

say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera

I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.

Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.

My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?

making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs

Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.