boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
You Might Also Like
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me