boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
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Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck
surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.