Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.

So I’ve sent in my wedding album.

Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless

Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭

Me: 😐☹️

Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭

I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.

I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.

1. My wife’s name

2. How to make a shank from a phone charger

3. I need Twitter

me: i wish i could have sex before i die

genie: granted

me: [873 years old] motherfu

My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes

I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.

Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?

Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.

Mars has enough problems already.

Hey, my eyes are up here.

Nope. Higher.

– snails, probably

Before marriage: Kisses

After marriage: Hisses

No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark

Need WebMD

A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.

People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.

figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives

My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.

Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.

going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous

My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways

me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team

captain: no you wouldn’t

me: ok

Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.

Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family

Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday

Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store

The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”

Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]

I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:

Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?

Because they have such big fingers.

Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…

Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents

Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing