Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR

My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.

“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”

And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows

When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.

I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.

Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*

iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.

Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news

[doing group photography]

ME: now let me take one without the flash

THE FLASH: what the-

REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out

Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.

Judge: That’s my job!

My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.

I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.

“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.

Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise

You’re in a pickle…oh okay that sounds nice, can it be bread and butter please?

friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??

me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower

You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet

“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward

Me: *Posing nude for the first time*

Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh

Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally

Me: ok

Boss: like… don’t tho

I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.

I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”

Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.

Breaking news:

M: I’m gonna go relax

H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.

I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.

If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.