boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
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In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright