boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
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A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
“Dad, what’s a forklift?”
“Food, usually.”
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Dude told me his sister got in trouble for drugs. I called her Bethanphetamine, he blocked me. Too bad. There was potential
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
😭😭😭
