Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
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I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
all bases covered
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.