Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
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A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.