boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
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Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”