boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
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Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Not wearing deodorant because I put lotion on my hands and couldn’t get the cap off
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
January has been Januweary
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Server: Have you dined before?
Me: Have I d- like in general?
Server:
Me: Yeah. Yes.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.