boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
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Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.