Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[goes back in time]

Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!

Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles

My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.

I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.

My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!

Then he held up my driver’s license

Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!

Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?

Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.

Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.

ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or

interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway

Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.

[inventor of the snooze button]

ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless

told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”

it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.

dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit

An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster

a load-bearing bit among my friends came from a guy on the periphery who came to a party, walked outside where we were talking, and said “moon looks great tonight.” everyone agreed, went back to talking. upon a lull he said “speaking of the moon, i made the nasa website” 😂

Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword

Me: *sweating*

My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*

#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …

Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.

I put the “pro” in inappropriate

Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first. 

If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.

How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.

I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.

I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.

T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?

TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?

RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING

Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.

Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone