BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
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The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Me when my alarm goes off
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
ＨＵＭＡＮ
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit