BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
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Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
kitchen magnet
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids