Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine

I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.

I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.

-me to my barber

wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!

Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game

How did people charge their phones before electricity?

Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.

It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.

My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn

My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.

me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard

The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice

Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned

If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.

when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice

Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.

I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.

I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.

I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.

wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on

Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.

Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.

*sets up 10 security questions for online account*

*clicks on “remember me”*

Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.

Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress

Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no

ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or

I’m looking for a documentary on small rivers. Does anyone know a good streaming service?

Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!

My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.

Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.

“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.

NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED