Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judge: Order in the court

[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?

Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?

a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans

Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.

*during sex*

Me: *unrolling a wrapper*

Her: you don’t have to use a condom

Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool

“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab

Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.

Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.

Parents in the 80s:
Bye.

This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭

I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight

I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.

my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”

If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.

“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”

“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”

If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you

Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.

If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.

Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?

[creation]

GOD: You guys are bees

BEE: Are we important?

GOD: Mankind would collapse without you

BEE: Can we fly?

GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol

BEE: …

GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out

guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right

DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him

ME: cool

[later]

TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?

ME: yeah

TREE: cool just checkin

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*

me: thanks

bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*

me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!

At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.

For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.

Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!

Me: Where are you going?

Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.

[later]

Me: How was your trip?

Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.

Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*

Me: you know you could refill it

Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own

Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?

Husband: omg are you?

Me: I hate you

Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.

With the year coming to a close, please remember to send all apologies and confessions of love to my email before January. I will be refreshing my inbox every 30 minutes. Thank you.