Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[family dinner]

my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren

me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.

I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”

forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies

You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.

I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.

[blind date]

HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart

ME {trying to impress her}: blood

I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.

Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money

Manager: Is this true

Waiter: I just gave him the check

[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind

I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry

A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time

I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.

How’s your day going?

I never picked my nose. I was born with it.

“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”

I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god

I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.

Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too

Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!

The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*

Twitter account is my serious account.

The funny one is my bank account.

Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.

For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.

Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.

The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.

I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead

It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.

*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.

Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.

When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.