Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.

My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.

Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.

Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.

1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible

-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing

Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.

Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?

Her: *Yodels*

Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.

“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”

Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?

Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me

I was really excited to see the Wicked movie until it got shoved down my throat in product placements. Now I just want to drop a house on the marketing director. And steal their shoes

i’ve decided to handle this like a mature adult…i’m telling your mom

just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”

still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.

Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”

It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery

Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.

[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live

My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.

Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End

I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.

As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:

“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”

The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken

I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one

My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.

Gross, who put proof in this pudding?

Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?

My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.

Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then

i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children

🏙👨🏼

*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*

Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!