Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.

this is the news I live for

Fun Fact:

The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.

there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is

Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.

Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.

I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”

let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard

I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.

My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.

My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.

If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.

Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”

Her:

Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”

Medic: “Step aside sir”

My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.

So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…

“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”

-Disney’s Frozen

I paused the movie to tweet this…

@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.

I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf

So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill

Signs you’re a man:

*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.

*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.

Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …

Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous

Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.

Boss: What?

Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.

Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home

Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby

Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist

Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: Your word is walk

“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”

JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*

Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”

Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.

1st graders: *crying

Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside