Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back

me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa

Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.

You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.

Everyone: Please

Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.

Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance

In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:

“You did the best you could.”

Her: baby I’m so wet

Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now

penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling

I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies

The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.

They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!

Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.

She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.

[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]

witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*

Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?

He thought he had job security…

she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”

If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.

If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.

N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms

As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.

Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it

if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking

Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:

The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.

This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.

Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re

“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it

We need a ride home.

“I called a Gruber”

Don’t you mean an Uber?

[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]

2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.

Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.

Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.