Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..

people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice

the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star

Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game

The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.

You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.

I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.

[First Date]

Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.

Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*

*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*

Sir, you wanna box for those?

“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”

Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.

Sure, I’ll come to your party

*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets

People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.

Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!

Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?

Gandalf:

Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way

Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific

I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.

Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”

Topic: Excited about mustard!

MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?

InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄

we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much

ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube

Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early

Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”

Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.

Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.

Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –

Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*

People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?

Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.

maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun

[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]

Me: ya know you can fly !

If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.

Do you need a glass of water?

No???

You sure? You seem a little salty…