BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
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Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
I had the head of the Civil Aviation Authority in my office earlier. I guess that’s what happens if you forget to duck when getting out a helicopter.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.