BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
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me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.