Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.

Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.

today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey

my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist

Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.

My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby

I turn 25 in two weeks

Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.

Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together

If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.

After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.

My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”

figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives

Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.

Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs

*rolls up sleeves*

*gets high on sleeves*

I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.

At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future

[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.

her: you seem really upset, what’s up?

me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?

Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS

Interviewer:

Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?

[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]

Ahhhh, there it is…

Wife: Get off of me!!

Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts

THERAPIST: What do you wish for?

WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things

ME: For the dog to talk

girl: tough guys are hot

Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*

I have a gauntlet I just never use it

*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*

I love this

me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind

Most Common Source of Electricity

When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.

I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.