boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
You Might Also Like
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared