Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*

SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!

Judge- no, CREDIBLE!

Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL

The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet

What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?

Boss: “you’re fired”

Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”

Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.

dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!

me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?

dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home

me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol

Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.

“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”

~My dog when the doorbell rings

Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.

scrooge: who are you

ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present

scrooge: so santa claus

ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT

back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are

You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?

poor people: innuendo

rich people: hoteluendo

Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos

“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter

When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.

Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right

My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!

ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence

2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.

I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.

He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.

[job interview]

willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies

oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position

My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…

Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”

My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:

Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.

Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.

Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works

When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.

Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.

Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?

Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.

Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years