Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name

Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.

Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.

On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing

Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.

*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!

The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics

Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.

…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.

a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler

Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?

[writing my first autopsy report]

There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy

me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat

Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”

Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.

Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews

Probably the best newspaper correction ever

#BritishSausageWeek

Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.

1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.

2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.

3. Death is an added advantage.

I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!

wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

me: *imagining it* no but I want to

You’re the unreachable booger of people.

Me: table for two

Hostess: did you have reservations

Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now

Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.

[making out on couch]

me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉

date: yes 😉

me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand

[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]

me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked

Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away

I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date

If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.

5 Stages of Pregnancy:

1: Crying

2: Peeing

3: Crying because you peed

4: Peeing because you’re crying

5: The toilet is your home now