Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.

I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use

I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.

DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman

Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.

Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.

y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.

this is where I found it today

God I hate kids.

And people.

And animals.

And sardines.

And stuff that’s alive.

And stuff that’s dead.

I hate stuff.

I like cheese.

Went to get coffee for a coworker.

I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.

i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity

“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone

*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.

Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.

You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.

animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what

*replies to everyone’s subtweets

“I love you too baby”

All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.

CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*

the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve

Vampire: How did you find me?!

Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back

Vampire: So it was a stakeout

Me: lmao

Vampire: lmaoooo

The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!

me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?

friend: lawn mower?

me: no, i want lawn lesser.

Pessimist: it’s half empty

Optimist: it’s half full

Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?

I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen

[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…

[another scientist who worked on the project] me too

I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.

I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.

My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.

You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes