My mom always said that I’d never find a man dumb enough to marry me.
Well, I showed her…
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
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We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Sally sells seashells by the seashore. Her monopoly has left the seashore economy in shambles. 86% of hermit crabs are now homeless.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Girlfriend: so i finally got that brazilian
Me: omg that’s hot, lemme see
Girlfriend: *puts arm around handsome muscular dude* this is Eduardo
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
lancelot: we have to work together arthur
lancelot: yes I am