Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live

me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure

doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure

“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it

On the Museum of Science and Industry coal mine tour and the guide asks “how would you improve working conditions in the mine?” This Little One shoots a hand up and cheerfully answers:

“Riot”

At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.

Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?

Me: Earth 😐

Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.

Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.

God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.

Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner

Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts

Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream

ME: and the hell, is it fresh?

2025: oh yes, the freshest

ME: wonderful, and is that my…

2025: your handbasket, yes

[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD

Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.

Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.

“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”

You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.

Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio

The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.

I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.

Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.

Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way

boss: this company is more profitable than ever

me: how about a raise?

boss: sorry i have to take this call

me: your phone isn’t ringing

boss: [fakes heart attack]

if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what

Barney: I love you, you love me

Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing

My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.

:office birthday party:

CW: Would you like to sign the card?

Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.

CW: His name is Joe.

Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?

In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.

If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.

PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood