Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”

My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.

( spelling bee )

Your word is “passive-aggressive”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.

“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”

Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices

My sister’s birthday cake 🤣

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade

[job interview]

“Name one of your strengths”

I didn’t stab anyone today

“That’s not-”

Yesterday wasn’t so good tho

[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]

Me: hold on I gotta take this

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

[first day as producer]

superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME

me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*

Being rude underwater is snarkeling

Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.

Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School

Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit

[in the park]

Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…

Her: uh huh, I guess…

Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]

Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.

wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!

wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home

her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssst

GOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE

do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?

Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”

Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?

Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before

Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.

I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses

I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.

I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.

Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.

wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit

A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.

While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.

Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.